Naked in Front of the Crowd

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

These lyrics stand out to me so much when listening to the song Breathe by Anna Nalick.  I love it because it touches on how I feel about blogging.  Blogging is very therapeutic for me and in the past it is something I would have never been able to do.  I used to always keep things inside, never really speak about what was bothering me or how I felt.  This at one point in my life made me so different from who I truly was, it made me physically ill and I became emotionally numb..
...
About seven years ago, my hub and I tried to get pregnant.  It took us at least 9 months to realize things weren't happening as easily as we had hoped they would.  I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant and here I was sitting in my gyno office explaining what had been happening the past 9 months, my medical history, our family history.  That was the first step of what would become a very long path for us.  A path that I didn't share with many people at the time.  I was surrounded by girls trying to get pregnant or that were pregnant.  It was the age.  You were supposed to keep it a surprise until 3 months, until it was safe.  That was what you were supposed to do.  But what do you do when you are trying for another nine months after that and nothing??  You become obsessed!

I finally decided to go to a specialist and we started taking drugs like Clomid and going through procedures that are not so...shall we say...fun.  (months later)I finally became pregnant with the use of injections and Clomid.  I really can not explain to you how much work all of it was.  Appointments before work, appointments after work, pee on this, pee on that, prick this, count that...etc. etc. It took a toll on both of us. But who cared! I was PREGNANT.  I became very nauseous which I couldn't share with too many people because you don't tell until you are out of the woods.  We continuously had to monitor everything and were so happy to see the little bean growing week after week.  After a couple of weeks we shared with my parents and close family that we were pregnant.  I will always remember making my first scrapbook page for the baby. I used it to announce the pregnancy to my parents.
(tears)
I remember being in the kitchen cabinet store feeling so swollen so early.  I remember going to a conference and being so happy to tell the girls at my table that I was pregnant (I didn't know them and knew it was safe to share!)I remember going in and wondering if we were going to hear the heartbeat. 

It took a bit, but sure enough we did hear the heartbeat. The doctor kept checking and said something about the heart rate only being 110 this was at 10 weeks.  Only?   This put me on alert but not too much because we were so happy to hear our baby's heart.  We had heard another time after that and were elated just the same.
Two weeks later we were in for another sono when the nurse technician went to get the doctor.  I immediately felt my stomach drop.  I immediately felt myself enter a place I never felt before.  I immediately felt alone and distant.  Everything I heard from then on, I felt was being heard from someone else. I felt like I was watching this all happen to me. 
"No heartbeat, no blood flow, we are very sorry"


what?


This was when I shut down. I just was going through the motions.  I had to go for a DNC at 13 weeks pregnant. It was the day before school started.  The week AFTER I was going to make my announcement.  I remember waking up groggy, barely coherent and asking "How is my baby?" and everyone just looking at me not knowing what to say.
I feel in my heart that she was a girl and I haven't forgotten.  I will never forget. She was a part of me.

I went home, slept and the next day I went to work like nothing ever happened.  This is what I did and this is what made me sick.  I held so much in, so much hurt, so much anxiety of trying again.  I literally made myself physically ill and had to stay home from work for a month.  I didn't know how to speak about it.  I didn't know how to deal with the fact that not only did I have a miscarriage, I also had to deal with the "unexplained infertility". 

***
I made it through with a lot of work and support.  I found an excellent doctor that specialized in being a wonderful person and in infertility.  I had to go through IVF and that is how I have my two beautiful children.  It takes A LOT for me to say all that and I do it because I learned that that is what makes you most at peace.  Speak the truth, live the truth and if someone doesn't like it, doesn't agree that's okay it doesn't change a thing for me.  I don't wish that on anyone but I don't regret it because I learned sooo much from it.  I am so much more compassionate, I am more able to put myself in others shoes, I learned about myself and what works for me and what doesn't.  It changed my way of thinking.
So blogging to me
helps me feel exactly like this song says...

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Along with all my talk about running (and not running for that matter) I do hope that my words will sometimes make you laugh, think, wonder, or become more informed
Or they can just help you fill some time doing what you love...blog reading!
No matter what, thanks for letting me share and thanks for following!

What event/thing has changed you or your way of thinking?
What gets you through a tough day?
Why do you blog?

Ps.  check out the winners in the previous post!!
PSs...last week was National Inferitlity Awareness Week...Check out this  post at MoreCheeseand video my SIL posted on her blog.