Monday, May 2, 2011

Naked in Front of the Crowd

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

These lyrics stand out to me so much when listening to the song Breathe by Anna Nalick.  I love it because it touches on how I feel about blogging.  Blogging is very therapeutic for me and in the past it is something I would have never been able to do.  I used to always keep things inside, never really speak about what was bothering me or how I felt.  This at one point in my life made me so different from who I truly was, it made me physically ill and I became emotionally numb..
About seven years ago, my hub and I tried to get pregnant.  It took us at least 9 months to realize things weren't happening as easily as we had hoped they would.  I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant and here I was sitting in my gyno office explaining what had been happening the past 9 months, my medical history, our family history.  That was the first step of what would become a very long path for us.  A path that I didn't share with many people at the time.  I was surrounded by girls trying to get pregnant or that were pregnant.  It was the age.  You were supposed to keep it a surprise until 3 months, until it was safe.  That was what you were supposed to do.  But what do you do when you are trying for another nine months after that and nothing??  You become obsessed!

I finally decided to go to a specialist and we started taking drugs like Clomid and going through procedures that are not so...shall we  (months later)I finally became pregnant with the use of injections and Clomid.  I really can not explain to you how much work all of it was.  Appointments before work, appointments after work, pee on this, pee on that, prick this, count that...etc. etc. It took a toll on both of us. But who cared! I was PREGNANT.  I became very nauseous which I couldn't share with too many people because you don't tell until you are out of the woods.  We continuously had to monitor everything and were so happy to see the little bean growing week after week.  After a couple of weeks we shared with my parents and close family that we were pregnant.  I will always remember making my first scrapbook page for the baby. I used it to announce the pregnancy to my parents.
I remember being in the kitchen cabinet store feeling so swollen so early.  I remember going to a conference and being so happy to tell the girls at my table that I was pregnant (I didn't know them and knew it was safe to share!)I remember going in and wondering if we were going to hear the heartbeat. 

It took a bit, but sure enough we did hear the heartbeat. The doctor kept checking and said something about the heart rate only being 110 this was at 10 weeks.  Only?   This put me on alert but not too much because we were so happy to hear our baby's heart.  We had heard another time after that and were elated just the same.
Two weeks later we were in for another sono when the nurse technician went to get the doctor.  I immediately felt my stomach drop.  I immediately felt myself enter a place I never felt before.  I immediately felt alone and distant.  Everything I heard from then on, I felt was being heard from someone else. I felt like I was watching this all happen to me
"No heartbeat, no blood flow, we are very sorry"


This was when I shut down. I just was going through the motions.  I had to go for a DNC at 13 weeks pregnant. It was the day before school started.  The week AFTER I was going to make my announcement.  I remember waking up groggy, barely coherent and asking "How is my baby?" and everyone just looking at me not knowing what to say.
I feel in my heart that she was a girl and I haven't forgotten.  I will never forget. She was a part of me.

I went home, slept and the next day I went to work like nothing ever happened.  This is what I did and this is what made me sick.  I held so much in, so much hurt, so much anxiety of trying again.  I literally made myself physically ill and had to stay home from work for a month.  I didn't know how to speak about it.  I didn't know how to deal with the fact that not only did I have a miscarriage, I also had to deal with the "unexplained infertility". 

I made it through with a lot of work and support.  I found an excellent doctor that specialized in being a wonderful person and in infertility.  I had to go through IVF and that is how I have my two beautiful children.  It takes A LOT for me to say all that and I do it because I learned that that is what makes you most at peace.  Speak the truth, live the truth and if someone doesn't like it, doesn't agree that's okay it doesn't change a thing for me.  I don't wish that on anyone but I don't regret it because I learned sooo much from it.  I am so much more compassionate, I am more able to put myself in others shoes, I learned about myself and what works for me and what doesn't.  It changed my way of thinking.
So blogging to me
helps me feel exactly like this song says...

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Along with all my talk about running (and not running for that matter) I do hope that my words will sometimes make you laugh, think, wonder, or become more informed
Or they can just help you fill some time doing what you reading!
No matter what, thanks for letting me share and thanks for following!

What event/thing has changed you or your way of thinking?
What gets you through a tough day?
Why do you blog?

Ps.  check out the winners in the previous post!!
PSs...last week was National Inferitlity Awareness Week...Check out this  post at MoreCheeseand video my SIL posted on her blog. 


  1. What a brave and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

    Blogging keeps me motivated, for sure. The other questions...I need to think about some more. :)

  2. It takes a lot of courage to put it all out there. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles but so happy that you have your two beautiful children now. You are so strong!

  3. this post was seriously powerful. I had tears in my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing. I agree...blogging is SO therapeutic. It is a place to document, a place to share, a place to open up and a place to just truly be you. I felt like I got to know a very special piece of you tonight and I am so grateful for that!

    I saw your comment! My hair is still long enough to pull worries...It was pretty long before :) But I use BIC bands (you can find them on facebook or etsy) and I LOVE them for running! As far as posting...basically all you do is write a post up on your blog at some point. Copy the link. Head over to my post and then click the "click here to enter" button. It will ask you to link with your website...hit okay and you are good to go!

    And are SO sweet. I was hoping I would win too :)

  4. What a wonderful post. It takes a lot of courage to share what you wrote and it may help others who are going through what you went through.

    I blog because I enjoy sharing my thoughts on pointless things, but occassionally, I share stuff that is raw...when my personal journal isn't enough.

    I'm happy you were able to conceive and have two kids. And I agree with you about being able to be compassionate if you go through something horrible. I'm a much different person based upon previous and current events in my life.

  5. I am extremely proud of you and admire you in so many ways - your inner strength, your courage, your willingness to never give up, the way in which you are able to learn from your experiences, both positive and negative, and help understand what others may be going through. Great post and I'm so glad you shared this!!!
    I was by your side through those rough times, but the amount of work you did on your own to get yourself to where you are now is absolutely amazing. And, yes - we have been blessed with two wonderful children, yet very trying at times for

  6. :0) Beautiful post ! I didnt know all that about you. It was very touching and you can tell the words come STRAIGHT from your heart.
    1-I dont blog...... I am not great at getting my thoughts and words organized on to a piece of "paper". I'm lucky I can SPEAK coherently sometimes.
    2-What gets me through a tough day? Hummm..... lots of diffrent things. Talking with friends, COFFEE!!!!!!, And realizing things can alays be so much worse.
    3-My brothers illness and death has truly changed my way of thinking with a lot of things. No matter what has gotten thrown our way it is nothing in comparison to watching someone you love slowly and painfully slip away, and watching the people that love that person suffer even more. Losing a job, fighting with people, knee injuries, big ass tractors in your back yard because the town of Smithtown SUCKS, pales in comparison :0)
    Anyway......thanks for a great blog post as usual my friend,
    Jo Anne

  7. My blogging is kind of like a scrapbook. Just today I was looking back and marveling at how young my kids looked just last summer.
    For me it is nice to write about frivolous stuff and feel like maybe I helped someone smile.

    Your story was very thought provoking. I am sorry about your loss and so glad that you have the two beautiful children that you do.

  8. This is such a beautiful post, and I thank you very much for sharing your experience. Talking about my feelings is a major hurdle for me. As a new blogger, I'm not quite there, yet, as far as laying everything out there. For now, I skim the surface. An event that changed me forever happened only recently, when I lost my 4-year-old niece to cancer in December. She, and everything she went through, reminds me that my "tough" days aren't all that difficult in comparison. She is also the reason I'm now blogging and training for my second marathon.

  9. Oh Annette, I was in tears reading this. One, because it was so hard being so far away from you guys and knowing what you were going through, and not being able to help in any way. Two, because I've been there, too. I didn't realize it was almost exactly the same time in our pregnancies.... for me it was 11 weeks, 5 days when we found out one of the twins' hearts had stopped beating. It was so devastating...... but I had Nico to keep me going. I can't even imagine how much more difficult it would have been without him in there. I'm so sorry for all the pain you and Scott went through.

    BUT! (wiping away tears :) But, I am so so so so happy and grateful that you were able to pull out of that experience what you did. That little one will always be in your hearts (I know) but the fact that you have gone on to become stronger and better... that's a great thing.

    As for me... I have always loved to write, and I've always been more comfortable expressing my emotions in writing than by talking. I get kind of tongue-twisted and awkward with my emotions, and they can twist me up so I can't think straight. I feel like I think best when I am writing, so blogging is a way for me to share, but also to just straighten things out in my head. Also, I'm more outgoing on paper than in person. :)

  10. wow honey you are incredible. this was such a powerful post. i have SO many friends who are going through the same things.. and that is what I love about blogging... knowing you are NOT alone!! and finding friends!! :) so happy to have found you!

  11. This post was so moving Annette --- talk about being "naked"! Your honesty and transparency here is truly touching. When I read this and Marie's I have to always stop and remember that children are truly miracles and blessings.

  12. What a powerfully moving post. I just found your blog and am a new follower! I blog to keep track of my kids happening and new latest blog for my other passion RUNNING!

  13. One of my favorite songs is Breathe. I turn it on as loud as it goes in the car and sometimes cry, sometimes feel I can do anything and sometimes just listen. I read your story while listening to Breathe and "just breathe" is something you had to do time and time again to get through those tough times. I know the tough times get you to where and who you are today. It doesn't make it easy though (I'm always looking for easy). Thanks for being open and sharing.

  14. Funny how people come into your 2004, I had a dream come true....I had gotten pregnant on my first try. Only to find out about 9 weeks or so later, that it was ectopic and we had to terminate. Shortly after (like a month), I was pregnant again. Mixed feelings. and sure enough, 8 or so weeks later, a miscarriage and a D&C. I threw myself into running, moreso than ever. 7 years later, I am ready to try again. my feelings are still raw. the pain is still there. but Life goes on. So must I. as did you. I blog to hopes that it will inspire just one person. I have had such good fortune in influence and I simply want to give back. I also want to one day be able to show my child that there is no such word as "can't" If you need any marathon advice, just ask. I know a thing or 50 :)


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